Advice Column, March 14, 2011


By: Jake Bennett and Tavi Sanders. Published: March 14, 2011

My boyfriend is thinking about joining the army. I’m not going to lie: I think the army is a great thing to join, and I think he is up to the challenge. The problem is I don’t want to find out one day that he was killed or something. I want to be supportive, but I’m scared to death that I’m going to lose him. What should I do?

Guy Speak: First thing, it’s great that you want to be supportive! Second thing, just be honest with him. If this is something that he really wants to do and has a good reason for doing it, then you can’t do much to stop him. I know you probably understand this, but it’s his life and he can do what he wants with it. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry yourself sick. They train well, and if he’s smart he’ll be safe. If you haven’t already, sit down and have a nice long talk with him about his and your feelings. Tell him that you’ll be here when he gets back, and make sure he knows that you care about him. On a different note, I notice that you said he was “thinking” about it. You could always offer to help him find an alternative to joining the army. This depends on his reasons for joining though.

Girl Talk: In the past, I shared that same distorted view. Our family doesn’t have a military background, so I could not see things from a soldier’s point of view. Yes, he could get killed and that’s a risk he is obviously willing to take. He can also get hit by a car crossing the street and die. What I’m trying to convey to you is that he is not looking on the negative side but the positive aspect of it. First of all it’s an honor to serve your country. There is a lot of benefits and opportunity that comes with serving in the Army. I suggest you look more into American History and pay close attention to all of the greats who died in order for us to enjoy the freedoms we enjoy today. Go to the recruiter’s office with him, therefore you can ask questions as well. I believe once you understand the process of serving, I am certain you will have a change of heart.

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and it is amazing. He is more than a boyfriend. He is one of my best friends. We may argue sometimes about really small things, but mostly that’s it. Last semester we got in a larger fight. After the fight, he didn’t cheat or anything to bad…but he did betray my trust a lot. I have never worried before about trusting him, but even though I said I would forget it and he apologized…I am having trouble not remembering it. It is really bothering me. I don’t know how to get over it and move on.

Guy Speak: When somebody we love betrays us, it hurts us deeper than normal. This isn’t something you’re going to be able to just forget about and move on from. You may have already spoken to him about it, but that doesn’t mean that you should just forget it ever happened. I suggest that you have another talk with him about it because it is still bothering you. The only way to get past these things is by communicating to each other, because otherwise he will not know anything is wrong. Perhaps if you found out what caused him to betray your trust, you might understand better and be able to really move on. I am just guessing here, but I think you are having trouble with this because you don’t understand why he did it. I could be wrong. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship, just keep that in mind in case you find it to be un-fixable.

Girl Talk: It’s really hard to give advice without knowing the specifics of the situation. I will assume that he did some things that are not normal for him. You may never forget the situation but you must forgive. Accepting him back as your boyfriend put all in the past and your task is to focus on your future. If you sincerely forgive his past acts, then it should not constantly be on your mind. It is not fair to you and neither to him if you constantly keep reliving moments from the past. It sounds as though he has more pros than cons, therefore he is worth keeping. You have the greatest foundation a relationship can have and that’s a friendship. Not all couples can say that they are friends and in your case best friends. I suggest you voice to him the things that are bothering you and how important it is that you both have clarification on the matter. To assure that you will not forget anything you should write it down. This should be the last and final conversation about this subject. Hopefully you will be able to get over it and move on. With love and a strong friendship you can get through anything.