By Zachary Breeding, Editor
So, it happened. You went on that date with that one person who had the guts to ask you out for Valentine’s Day (likely inspired by our previous articles). Maybe it was not a complete disaster, or maybe it was. Whichever category your date falls in, we at the Review are here to teach you how to turn down a second date without resorting to “ghosting” the other person.
For those not in the know, “ghosting” is when one person stops replying to all forms of communication from someone who they would like to discontinue a relationship with.
First and foremost, it is important to note that ghosting and its slightly subtler counterpart “fading” are very hurtful things to do to a person, especially one who had the guts to ask you out on a date. But enough lecture; let’s learn how to crush their souls and dreams in much kinder ways.
Send a text
As our society becomes more and more connected through our devices, this is surprisingly one of the best ways to turn down a second date. The only problems with this approach are that some may still find the lack of a personal interaction hurtful and the fact that people often put off sending difficult text messages. Despite these flaws, however, if you can manage to look away from the “tweetersphere” for 30 seconds to send a text message saying something to the effect of “Thank you so much for the date, but I don’t think I would like to go on another” it could save both parties from dealing with a mess later on.
Bomb a date
I will admit this is not technically a way to avoid getting out of a second date. However, it is a surefire way to avoid ever being asked out on a third one. This is a very simple strategy. First, accept the date. It is very important that when you do this to be immensely overexcited about the date. Upon arriving at the date location, do absolutely everything in your power to be insufferable. This can include but is not limited to: insulting the wait staff, spitting on the floor, and expressing your love for Rush Limbaugh. At this point your date should be ushering you out the door, but if they are particularly stubborn (or Republican) it is important to end the date with a coup de grace: It’s time to get you and your date permanently banned from the establishment. Some imagination is required for this step, but a few recommendations are to remove things from the restroom that should not be removed or to take a journey into the kitchen of the restaurant and “improvise” with other guests’ food.
Leave the country
This method, while perhaps the most difficult to pull off, does allow for the most creative expression. If you are an American, the first step is getting a passport. All of the necessary information for this step can be found here. Be warned however that this can take upwards of six weeks, so you will have to get creative with excuses for postponing your second date until you can begin your new life in the south of France.
Perhaps you lack the moral fiber to delay for that long but are still loathed to find any other option apart from becoming an expat. Have no fear! The dark web is here. Any student can go onto an onion browser at any time and find plenty of sources for fake passports that will arrive much quicker than the official ones issued by the government. This step includes some risks, however, and could land you a prison sentence. On the bright side, it is fairly likely that a second date will not be offered to you once you are in the county lockup for a few years.
If you are an international student, all the hard work is already done! Now you just need to commit some crimes! Robbing the bank near downtown Lebanon seems to be a popular option, so that is where I would recommend beginning your crime spree. From there it is an easy walk to the liquor store where Lebanon’s finest are always waiting to catch some underage kids buying alcohol. After that, you will be given a one-way ticket to your home country and the best excuse ever for not going on that second date!
Illustration credits: Benjamin Richter