Dear Bogey,
Since moving to college, I have had no trouble finding friends. I have found multiple groups of guys and girls that I like to hang out with. My roommate just told me the other day that they no longer want any of my friends coming over to our apartment because they are too loud and always leave a mess, even though I don’t think either of those statements are true. I’ve always made sure to pick up the place after they left anyway. I think my roommate is worried that they will be “replaced” which is also not true because I am close with them. What can I say to my roommate to try and alleviate the situation where I can still be able to hang out with my friends, and my roommate doesn’t feel left out or that our relationship is being jeopardized?
Sincerely,
Friend in a Pickle
Dear Friend in a Pickle,
First off, since you want to maintain your current friendship with your roommate, there are a few strategies you can try to work on your relationship during these trying times. I suggest using relational maintenance behaviors to both maintain and strengthen your relationship with your roommate. These behaviors include sharing social networks, expressing openness with one another, providing assurances, embracing positivity, and sharing tasks, especially since you live together (Floyd, 2021). Since you have other groups of friends, it would be beneficial for you to share those social networks. Combining your groups of friends will only bring you closer. But, since your roommate does not want your group of friends coming over, try sitting down together and being open and willing to discuss the elephant in the room. It might just be what you need to bring you closer and get your true feelings in the open. By using openness, your roommate may begin to see through their blinding shield of jealousy and may even disclose why they’re so guarded. If you choose to reciprocate, it will allow your friendship to grow even stronger. There are facts to prove it! In Willard Hartup and Nan Steven’s study called “Friendships and Adaption across the Life Span,” they found that “self-disclosure occurs more frequently and involves more depth of disclosure among friends than nonfriends” (Hartup & Stevens, 1999, pg. 77). If you’re truly friends, openness should help, or at least allow you both to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions that are long overdue instead of continuing to walk on eggshells. Another behavior to try is to practice giving each other assurances to show you’re committed to the friendship and want to work on it, which it sounds like you do. This could help your roommate see that there is no threat of a third party and no reason to be jealous. From my understanding, your roommate is not very positive and complains, which can make maintaining your friendship pretty challenging (Floyd, 2021). Try responding in positive ways and suggest during your open conversation for that same positivity to be reciprocated. If they still continue to be negative after using these strategies, remember that friendships are voluntary and are by choice, which means you can choose to walk away.
If the maintenance strategies mentioned above just do not seem to be making things any better, keep the social exchange theory in mind, and consider in your heart of hearts if the benefits really outweigh the costs of your friendships (Floyd, 2021). Research by Willard W. Hartup and others in “Conflict and the Friendship Relations of Young Children” show that friends usually avoid using tactics like ‘standing firm’ and being unwilling to compromise (Hartup et. al, 1988). But, since your roommate has taken a firm stance, it’s surprising in a friendship and is very telling. Think long and hard about a steady comparison level for alternatives and assess how good or bad your relationship is compared to others, such as with your roommate and your other group of friends (Floyd, 2021). If the costs outweigh the benefits, and you feel there are better relationships out there, it may be time to say goodbye.
Unfortunately, you may not want to hear this, and it may be hard to accept, but from what it sounds like, your friendship with your roommate may be reaching the end of its lifespan. It happens. Friends can simply grow to dislike each other, especially when they are surrounded by negativity and negative feelings, like you currently are. In fact, “Studies have demonstrated that negative feelings are most likely to arise when one friend becomes intolerant of the other friend’s romantic partner or other friends” (Floyd, 2021, pg. 324). To be honest, your roommate and you may be on the path of ending your current friendship if this negative pattern continues, and it may be for the best.
Sincerely,
Bogey
References
Floyd, K. Interpersonal Communication. (4th Ed). New York, NY. McGraw-Hill.
Hartup, Willard W., and Nan Stevens. Friendships and Adaptation across the Life Span – JSTOR, June 1999, https://www.jstor.org/stable/20182566.
Hartup, Willard W., et al. Conflict and the Friendship Relations of Young Children – JSTOR, Dec. 1988, https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/1130673.pdf.
