Dear Bogey,
My sister and her best friend, who I am also friends with, have gotten into a fight and haven’t spoken to each other for a few weeks now. My sister jokes a lot with the people she cares about, and our friend is very sensitive. So, from my understanding, the fight started from a joke my sister made about our friend that she took personally. My sister doesn’t want to apologize because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong, and our friend has been ignoring her and avoids her at school. I got the two of them to talk to each other for one night when we went out to eat together, but I think that was only because I was there because they stopped talking to each other again afterwards. Their fight is affecting the rest of our friend group as well because they don’t want to go to events if the other is there, and they both barely use our group chat anymore. I’m frustrated that neither of them wants to be the bigger person since it has been almost a month since the fight happened. Sometimes I wonder if they even want to be friends anymore, but I still care about both of them, and it’s exhausting being the middle person. What should I do to help them get back together, if they even should be friends again?
Sincerely,
Tired Mediator
Dear Tired Mediator,
I understand the frustration that you are experiencing with both your sister and friend group. I can assume that you know your sister and her best friend well, and from what I can see you are trying your hardest to get them to “come to their senses.” However, whatever they are fighting about, whether serious or shallow, will only be resolved if they come together to work out their differences. Disagreements are destined to happen over the course of a long relationship. When expressing your concern to your friend group, show that you want to find a solution rather than leave out the other person(s). You should explain how their actions made you feel, ask them to do the same, and ask for the change you’d like to see (Degges, 2017). You mentioned that you’ve attempted to get them together to talk, but they stopped talking after you’ve left. In my opinion, I believe that your sister and friend aren’t quite ready to hash out their disagreement yet. I understand that you want your friend group to get back-to-business, but experiencing interpersonal conflict between people you care about shouldn’t be a race to normalcy. It’s important to remember that conflict is natural, and it proves that your sister and friends have an interdependent bond which affects each other both positively and negatively (Floyd, 2021, pg. 230). When your sister and friend seem ready to work things out, it’s time for you, tired mediator, to shine.
My advice to you for getting them together is to let your friend know that you would like to have a conversation about the relationship. I’m sure no one likes having a serious conversation ‘sprung’ on them, so I think it would be best to give your friend some advance notice. You should choose a time and place that is pleasant for both of you and be sure to choose as neutral a place as you can. Be sure to listen to what your friends have to say once you’ve begun to open up your own concerns (Friends, 2018). While your friends have gotten together and begun talking about their feelings, observe their nonverbal communication. “Nonverbal communication often conveys more information than verbal communication… and is believed mostly over verbal communication” (Floyd, 2021, pg. 184). As the mediator, while watching their nonverbal cues, like facial expressions and body language, practice becoming a better mediator by listening non judgmentally, acknowledge your friends’ feelings, and communicate support nonverbally by nodding or making eye contact. At the end of the day, conflict is bound to happen in a close-knit group of friends like yours. What matters most is that the details of the conflict are rarely as important as the feelings of those involved. Best of luck to you!
Sincerely,
Bogey
References
Degges, S. (2017, November 1). Confronting Conflict With Friends. Psychology Today. Retrieved October 19, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201711/confronting-conf lict-friends
Floyd, K. (2021). Interpersonal Communication (Fourth ed.). McGraw Hill. Friends. (2018). Psychology Today. Retrieved October 18, 2022, from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/friends
