Dear Bogey,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we both decided to come to Mckendree as we both live within an hour of the school. We are both freshmen this year. Since we got to school my boyfriend has been very clingy to me, which in the past I have never minded, but now I want to do some things on my own. He is with me nearly nonstop. I am struggling to make friends because of it and I always want to go do things on my own now. I want to be able to grow at college and make a lot of new friends because all of my friends from home went to a different school. Our relationship is really strong and I do not want to lose him but I also want to be independent sometimes and have time for myself. I love him but I am learning that independence can happen when in a relationship also. I need help in knowing how to handle this situation. What do you think I should do to manage my relationship and have a social life at college?
Sincerely, Illinois Miss Independent Wannabe
Dear Illinois Miss Independent Wannabe,
Both you and your boyfriend’s responses to starting college are understandable. Starting college is a big transition that involves a lot of change, and some students are excited to embrace the change, while others might want to stick with what they know.
Based on how you described your relationship, it sounds like you are experiencing a dialectical tension with your boyfriend. According to author and interpersonal communication professor Kory Floyd, a dialectical tension is a conflict between two opposite needs that are both important (2021). One of the most common dialectical tensions in romantic relationships is autonomy versus connection. Autonomy is the need to be your own person, while connection is the need to be close to others. (Floyd, 2021) When it comes to your relationship with your boyfriend, you want to be independent and have your own set of activities and friends; however, you also want to remain close to your boyfriend. So, you are torn between being autonomous and being connected with your boyfriend. But don’t worry! Dialectical tensions, such as the one you are facing, are common in relationships. In fact, Floyd identifies dialectical tensions as one of the defining characteristics of close relationships (2021).
When it comes to your boyfriend’s clinginess, according to psychiatrist Mark Banschick, “Relationships are fluid,” meaning that sometimes one partner might be clingy, or sometimes they might be distant (2013). This is because as couples become more intimate, their “unconscious issues” begin to surface. These can be issues from past relationships or from their childhood, such as how clingy or independent their parents were with them. (Banschick, 2013) Author Peg Streep said that it is important for couples to discuss their past relationships to see how that impacts their current actions of being clingy or distant, and confronting these behavior patterns can help couples find balance between autonomy and closeness (2015) So, I suggest that you and your boyfriend should discuss your past relationships to see if they are impacting your behaviors in your current relationship.
Another way to help you and your boyfriend through this dialectical tension is the use of relational maintenance behaviors. These are actions that are used to strengthen relationships and include social networks, openness, assurances, positivity, and sharing tasks (Floyd, 2021). For your situation, I think openness and assurances would be the most helpful. Openness involves being willing to talk to your partner about your thoughts and feelings (Floyd, 2021). I think you should be open with your boyfriend and tell him nicely that you need time to yourself every now and then. From your description, it sounds like your relationship is very strong, so I assume he will be willing to listen to your needs. Additionally, assurances are behaviors that can be verbal and nonverbal that show a person’s commitment to their partner (Floyd, 2021). When telling your boyfriend how you feel, you can use assurances to let him know that you still love him and enjoy being with him. That way, he is reminded of how important he is to you and that your desire to do your own thing is not you loving him any less.
Also, there are many clubs and activities on campus that you and your boyfriend can take part in to connect with other people. I suggest that you both find some activities you enjoy that you can do separately or together.
Best wishes,
Bogey
References
Banschick, M. (2013, May 5). How to fix a clingy relationship | psychology Today. Psychology Today. Retrieved October 25, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201305/how-fix-clingy-relationship
Floyd, K. (2021). Interpersonal Communication (4th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.
Streep, P. (2015, March 11). Are you too clingy? is your partner? | psychology Today. Psychology Today. Retrieved October 25, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201503/are-you-too-clingy-is-your-partner
