Dear Bogey,
I am writing to ask for your advice regarding friendships and how to stay true to myself in those friendships. I have often struggled with making and keeping friends. I find myself in situations where my feelings, thoughts, and anxiety overwhelm me. I have troubling thoughts like, she hasn’t texted me in a while, is she mad at me and I haven’t seen her in two weeks, is she distancing herself because of something I might’ve said or did? I ask myself questions like those all the time. Labeling me a people pleaser is a massive understatement. I have a constant need to be the best friend, the best daughter, and the best sister. Whenever I feel I am failing, I flip out and distance myself from everyone. I don’t know why I am so nervous and why I feel the need to ghost the people around me. I hate that I shut down, and I know I need to be more direct and honest with my friends, but my mental health also needs to be considered. So, Bogey, how do I maintain my friendships while focusing on my mental health?
Best regards,
A Semi Normal Friend
Dear Semi Normal Friend,
Friendships can be difficult, and many end with one side thinking a different way than the other. The best thing to do for yourself is to make sure you are in a good state of mind. Friendships can be very stressful, especially ones where two people may be drifting apart. This feeling of disconnect with someone you care about can be tough to process.
First, keep it simple. Overthinking exacerbates stress levels. It is very important to practice self-care and maintain your mental health. If a friendship is making you worse mentally, it may not be a good relationship. Friendships are there to pick you up and help you out, but if it doesn’t, something is wrong. Second, your friends are most likely not mad or upset with you, but simply busy. Give your friend a call and ask if they would like to make plans to get together. One communication scholar said, “You might have to spend time with your friend that you would prefer to spend doing something rewarding by yourself. In addition, you must make an emotional investment, particularly when your friend needs your support” (Floyd, 2021, pg. 285). This isn’t always what a person might prefer; however, making time for one another will help your friendships’ longevity.
Additionally, it is impossible to accurately read another person’s mind. We jump to conclusions and assume the worst. While it is still good to be mindful of your friend’s situation, overthinking causes problems. Allie Volpe from The Washington Post writes, “It’s difficult to interpret tone through text messages or to determine the reason for a delayed message, making it easier to assume the worst.” Thinking that someone’s feelings have changed towards you is tough to comprehend. If you think this is happening, instead of ghosting them, simply text them to reach out. See where their mind is so you can understand the situation.
Mental health and relationships go hand in hand. Without relationships your mental health will deteriorate, but the wrong relationships will have an adverse effect on mental health. According to Moria Lawler from Everyday Health, “Friends can improve your self-confidence and self-worth. A good friend is your cheerleader.” Friends are supposed to be there to pick you up when you are down, not be the reason that you are down.
It is important to honestly communicate with your friends. Communication meets physical needs, relational needs, identity needs, spiritual needs, and instrumental needs (Floyd, 2021). Communicating honestly will help you find out how they are feeling. It can also pick you up when you are down and improve your mental health. Sitting on your problems may lead to overthinking them. Talk to the person that you are worrying about. Get the situation squared away before worry and doubt creep in.
Sincerely,
Bogey
References
Floyd, K. Interpersonal Communication. New York, NY, McGraw-Hill Education, 2021.
Lawler, M., Marks, J. L., Gleichmann, N., Splitter, J., Lebow, H. I., Lindberg, S., Migala, J., Garone, S., Alkon, C., & Alberts, N. (n.d.). Yes, friends are good for mental and physical health. EverydayHealth.com. https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/social-support.aspx
WP Company. (2022, October 5). Why do you always think your friends are mad at you – even when they’re not. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/11/16/why-you-think-your-friends-are-mad-at-you/
