From Popular Delusions, a blog by Honors Intro to Psychology students
The Rom-Coms Were Wrong! | Popular Delusions (wordpress.com)
If you have ever decided to spend your Friday night indulging in a romantic comedy, then you know that they are filled with cheesy one-liners, and the main character always ends up with the person of their dreams.
The idea that opposites attract is a focal point in countless movies, TV shows, and books. The smart, shy, standoffish heroine and the outgoing, popular, pretty-in-an-obvious-way type somehow find comfort in the arms of one another (AKA the entire plot to She’s All That). This is the idea that opposites attract. Ross and Rachel, Danny and Sandy, Ron and Hermione, Cher and Josh, and countless others are the rule. The exception are those who fall in love and share a majority of interests with one another. Even the analogy of the rule and the exception come from my personal favorite rom-com, He’s Just Not that Into You. The truth is, we want to believe that opposites attract; we want a person who is like a missing piece to our puzzle – someone who can show us parts of ourselves that we never knew existed. Well, at least that’s what every romantic comedy ever has told us.
Psychologists have concluded that the idea that opposites attract is only a myth. We tend to be more attracted to those we share more in common with. While differences may be exciting, it is similarities that allow us to connect with one another. Homophily is “the fancy term for the tendency of similar people to attract each other” (Lilienfeld, 2010, 137). Dating sites such as eHarmony and Match.com rely on similarities that individuals share with one another when creating their matches. Over 15 million matches are made per day on eHarmony, simply by sharing the same common interests and attitudes as others.
Think about some of the disagreements you have had when you strike up a conversation with someone. How does this make you feel? Do you like the uncommon ground that you are sharing, or would you prefer for them to agree with you? Most people tend to like people who agree with us rather than disagree. “Although people with similar attitudes may be slightly more likely to be attracted to each other, people with dissimilar attitudes may be especially unlikely to be attracted to each other. In the case of attitudes, at least, it’s not merely the case that opposites don’t attract: They often repel” (Lilienfeld, 2010, 138).
Couples also have the ability to condition one another into opposite, complementary roles through interactions with one another (Hupp & Santa Maria, 2023, 330). Some couples that may be perceived as opposites may actually be similar. Over time they have learned to assume separate roles in the relationship that cause them to appear different from one another to an outsider, but to them they are still the same. So, for every loud and outspoken partner, there is the quiet and shy partner. Individually they may not have had these characteristics, but as a couple they have learned to assume these roles with one another.
So, the next time you enjoy your favorite cheesy rom-com, remember that opposites do attract… No wait, that’s not it – opposites do not attract. Never mind, maybe just don’t watch 90s rom-coms if you want reliable relationship advice.
References
Hupp, S., & Santa Maria, C. L. (Eds.). (2023). Pseudoscience in Therapy: A Skeptical Field Guide. Cambridge University Press.
Lilienfeld, S. O. (2010). 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology: Shattering Widespread Misconceptions about Human Behavior. Wiley.
