Dear Bogey,
I am very confused and conflicted about how my roommate and I are acting. We’ve been rooming together for the whole first semester, so about eight weeks, and I go through phases of how I feel about him. Depending on the day, he is my best friend or my worst enemy. I feel like sometimes our personalities just don’t blend well together. He likes to be the loudest person who talks the most in conversations. I like to be a contributing member of the group, but often I get interrupted and can’t even finish what I am saying/talking about. I’m torn between being quiet and just rarely talking or confronting him about it. What’s the best course of action for me to take to have a great friendship and rooming situation?
Sincerely,
A Muddled Mckendree Bearcat
Dear Muddled McKendree Bearcat,
Knowing that you truly want this friendship and roommate situation to work out is great! Having a new roommate can be challenging, especially if there are a lot of disagreements. It is important to remember that it is normal for conflict with roommates to occur because we have all been raised differently with unique personalities, and they sometimes do not mesh with one another (Kay, 2020). No matter how old we get, each new year of college has its adjustments. Do not be frantic about having ups and downs with your roommate; taking some sort of action can easily show your commitment to make this roommate relationship work out.
One piece of advice that I can offer is to address your concerns as soon as possible. Studies show that when roommate issues go ignored, conflict will not get resolved, and the added time can increase the severity of these issues (Chrzasz-Reedy, 2023). If you let these emotions bottle up inside, you are more likely to have a negative outburst, which would cause you to approach conflict less effectively.
The second tip I can offer deals with expressing emotions. I advise you to never hide or mask your emotions. Masking is when you are “expressing one emotion when you are actually experiencing a completely different one,” and this could increase conflict and issues (Floyd, 2021, Ch. 8). If you express your true feelings, your roommate will be more likely to stop acting in such ways, but if you act as if everything is alright when it is not, your roommate will continue these annoying behaviors since they think what they are doing is fine. Be willing to compromise as well. A friendship must have equal effort and needs to be met equally, so try your best to “be open minded when having discussions with your roommate” (Kay, 2020). It is important to ensure that both of you are making an equal effort to resolve any conflict, instead of one person being blamed while the other plays the victim.
My final tip is to bond more over your similarities. Theorists have developed and refined the Attraction Theory, which states, “We are generally drawn to friends we see as similar to ourselves” (Floyd, 2021, Ch. 10). With your roommate situation, the mere fact that you are willing and trying to make the relationship work shows that you both must have some similarities, so use it to your advantage. If you try to talk to your roommate about things you have in common or engage in activities that you both find fun and interesting, you will create a more positive connection between the two of you. This will also help decrease the amount of negativity you feel since you are focused on other attributes of the friendship.
To recap, it is best to address your concerns and feelings with your roommate. Being truthful to your roommate as soon as possible can help these problems be put to rest more efficiently. Make sure you keep an open mind going into the conversation so that you both can easily compromise and have a more effective conversation. Also, try to find similarities between you and use them to your advantage by engaging in activities or conversations that can help build the relationship. Lastly, remember that the effort lies in both of your hands – ensure that you both are making an equal effort to make this friendship last with limited problems.
I wish you all the best and hope that your situation turns around!
Sincerely,
Bogey
References
Chrzasz-Reedy, A. (n.d.). Facilitating roommate conflicts: Common mistakes & best practices for ras. Office of Student Conflict Resolution (OSCR). https://oscr.umich.edu/article/facilitating-roommate-conflicts-common-mistakes
Floyd, K. (2021). Interpersonal Communication. McGraw-Hill Education.
Kay, S. (2020, March 4). 10 roommate conflict tips – housing & residential education. Housing Residential Education. https://www.housing.utah.edu/roommate-tips/
