Dear Bogey,
I need your help with an extremely nosy friend. Recently, I have made a new friend, Katelyn, and we have been getting along quite well. However, whenever we hang out, she always asks questions within context of a conversation. Sometimes, within the conversation, I understand why she asks questions, however, she will ask questions about every statement I make. Whenever I go out, she always asks what I am doing, where I am going, and what is happening. She’ll even follow up after I am done going out. Lately, it has been frustrating me, and I want to address the problem; however, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?
Sincerely, Privacy Patty
Dear Privacy Patty,
I can certainly see why this situation would be frustrating. It sounds like you and your friend are on different pages about privacy within your friendship. It is okay to have different expectations of what you want out of a friendship, but it might be helpful to understand what those expectations are and how you can communicate them! Every person is different, which means every friendship is going to have different rules. In Kory Floyd’s book on interpersonal communication, he talks about the fact that friendships are governed by rules, meaning there are certain things you agree to when you become friends with someone, and there are certain things you can expect from each other. From the way you have described your problem, it sounds like you both had a different set of rules that you expected to be followed in your friendship. Your friend expected your friendship to be one with a lot of personal disclosure, and that is not something you were on board with. This is an example of the dialectical tension of openness versus closedness (Floyd, 2021). This is the tension between wanting disclosure and honesty in a relationship and wanting to keep certain things private and to yourself (Floyd, 2021). This kind of dialectical tension can make it hard for both of you because, in your case, you feel as though your friend is pushing you to share more than you’d like to. Meanwhile, your friend might be feeling as though you are closed off or even upset with them because you aren’t sharing these details of your life. One of the first ways I would suggest tackling this is to try and sit down with her and discuss what your boundaries are surrounding different topics in your life. According to the article “How to Set Boundaries with Friends– and Why it’s Necessary” by Barbara Field, “boundaries are guidelines for acceptable behaviors, expectations, and personal limits”. In your case, it sounds like your friend is excited to talk to you, but has not figured out what your boundaries are surrounding different topics of conversation. It may be helpful to gently bring up the topic next time you see her, letting her know that while you value the friendship, you would like to keep some things to yourself and give some examples of what types of conversations you are and are not willing to share details about. This can help her understand when it’s okay to ask follow-up questions and when it’s better to give you some space. You might find that your friend has some boundaries of her own to share, and this can help strengthen your understanding of each other. You might also want to consider creating a safe word as a gentler way to signal this feeling to her (Center, 2021). The article “Boundaries in Friendships: What They Are and How to Establish Them” from 2021 states that a safe word is a word you agree upon that lets the other person know when they’ve crossed a boundary. This makes it easier for either of you to let the other know if someone has crossed a boundary and stop to regroup the conversation and apologize (Center, 2021). An example of this might be, you two agree upon a word that would not normally come up within the types of conversations you have together. After this word has been chosen, practice a few times and make sure you both feel comfortable using it. Once you have done that, slowly start implementing it when needed. Try to be patient as you both get used to this change in communication as well! In the end, you care about your friend, and you want your friendship to be fulfilling, but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your comfort for it. As stated by Mcbride and Bergen in their article “Communication Research: Becoming a Reluctant Confidant: Communication Privacy Management in Close Friendships”, “a delicate balance of restraint and candor is important in interacting with close friends “Communicating your boundaries will help you feel more secure in your friendship and encourage your friend to be more sensitive to your feelings, which will ultimately strengthen your friendship!
Sincerely,
Bogey
Barbara Field. (2023). How to Set Boundaries With Friends—and Why It’s Necessary.
Center for Modern Therapy | Walnut Creek, CA. Center for Modern Therapy | Walnut Creek, CA. https://centerformoderntherapy.com/boundariesin-friendships-what-they-are-and-how-toestablish-them/
Floyd, K. (2021). Interpersonal communication (4th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.
McBride, C., & Bergen, K. (2008). Communication Research: Becoming a Reluctant Confidant: Communication Privacy Management in Close Friendships.
Verywell Mind. Boundaries in Friendships: What They Are And How To Establish Them. Center. (2021, June 16). https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-setboundaries-with-friends-7503205#toc-whenboundaries-are-needed
