Dear Bogey,
I have had wonderful experiences in college so far. I feel like I have truly found myself here. College has allowed me the freedom to explore things like my sexuality, spirituality, and gender. But it has been some time since I have seen my family, and through my new experiences, I have learned that I no longer fit into the identity that my parents would like me to have. I currently identify as non-binary, but every day I struggle internally of whether or not I’m being true to myself by holding onto parts of a gender I no longer identify as. Looking in the mirror every morning makes me wish I were born as the opposite sex, and I am mulling over labeling myself as transgender. I’m mostly worried that my parents may not accept me. My partner has been amazing and supportive throughout this whole process. Do I tell my parents? Do they have a right to know? What should I say? I feel like the longer I keep quiet, the longer I lose a part of myself and a connection to my family. What advice do you have for me?
A Queer Questioning Bearcat
Dear A Queer Questioning Bearcat,
I understand how difficult this can be. As part of the LGBTQ+ community myself, I know this can be a challenge, especially when you worry that your family is not supportive. One of the reasons you might be feeling lost can be explained by the Need to Belong Theory. The book focuses on interpersonal communication, and the author, Kory Floyd, describes the need to belong theory as follows: “Each of us is born with a drive to seek, form, maintain, and protect strong relationships”. Essentially, we are social creatures, and as such, we need to feel as though our social bonds are being attended to and cared about. Being without our social bonds can have very real consequences, both physical and emotional (Floyd, 2021). The idea that your family may not be accepting of something so important to who you are is frightening and upsetting to your innate need to belong. One of the big things you should know is that you are not required to come out to them if you are concerned it might be unsafe. While it is incredibly difficult to hide part of your identity, especially a part as important as your gender, if it is unsafe for you to do so, I would encourage you to hold off. Try to gauge where their attitudes may lie and determine if it is safe for you to have this conversation with them. In Lal Zimman’s article ‘The other kind of coming out’: Transgender people and the coming out narrative genre, they discuss how not every path is identical and that the experience will be different for each person. This is something else that is important to remember as you consider how to go about this conversation. You should take as much time as you need to consider the unique circumstances of your own life and make your decision from there. If you find that you feel safe coming out, make a plan. In an article by Jori Hamilton written for the LGBT Life Center, they state that you should do your best to figure out what you want to say, when you want to say it, and if you want your partner there when you do. Your family will likely have questions. Knowing what you want to say and having support can make this much less nerve-wrecking (Hamilton, 2022). From your question, it sounds like your partner is very supportive, so I would encourage you to ask them to be part of this process to give you someone to lean on should things get difficult. In regard to what to say, I would recommend you evaluate what the communication climate is with different family members (Floyd, 2021). Communication climate is the emotional tone of a relationship (Floyd, 2021). This means that if there are family members whom you know you have a more positive emotional climate, it might help to come out to them first. This will give you a way of practicing what you might want to say to those you’re more unsure about and help you to have a broader support system as you tell more people. One final thing you can consider is bringing a list of resources for your parents to do some of their research with. Strong Family Alliance has a list of resources for parents after their child comes out that can help them with additional questions or confusion they might have. While you might feel up to answering these kinds of questions yourself, you might also find it difficult due to emotions being high. A list of resources might be just the way to give them answers without stressing yourself out. An article from Planned Parenthood (n.d,) states the following, “Not telling someone that you are trans or nonbinary isn’t lying or hiding the truth. If you do want to come out, you get to decide when and to whom. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”. Your identity belongs to you. You get to make the call about when and if you tell them, if you do at all, and know that no matter what you decide, there is no wrong answer, and you are just as valid regardless of the decision that you make.
Sincerely,
Bogey
Coming Out as Transgender | What You Should Know.(n.d.).Www.plannedparenthood.org. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender -identity/transgender/coming-out-trans
Coming Out to Your Parents. (n.d.). Strong Family Alliance. https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-tocome-out-to-parents/
Floyd, K. (2021). Interpersonal communication (4th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.
Hamilton, J. (2022, September 19). Coming Out to Your Family in a Safe Manner – LGBT Life Center. LGBTLifeCenter. https://lgbtlifecenter.org/blog/coming-out-toyour-family-in-a-safe-manner/
Zimman, L. (2017). “The other kind of coming out”: Transgender people and the coming out narrative genre.GenderandLanguage. https://doi.org/10.1558/genl.v3i1.53
